I’m watching a strange little epidemic spread through smart people. And, it’s a hidden emission of personal peace, power and profit leak nobody is naming.
“Sorry I’m late.” (They’re not late.)
“Sorry… just checking…”
“Sorry… quick question…”
“Sorry… I know you’re busy but…”
“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry…”
This isn’t politeness. This is an automatic pattern. And in business, patterns are never neutral. They either build or bleed power.
This habitual apologising is the bleeding type because it’s giving away power. A micro-collapse which you may feel as your shoulders slump, your chest collapses. And, yes, it is a micro movement, yet it is the true language that your nervous system speaks. Tune in, you’ll feel it and listen and watch as it happens to others.
Harvard Business Review has called out over-apologising at work as a habit that undermines how you’re perceived. There is a deeper point that it is not a “confidence issue”. It’s a biology issue all dressed up and wearing a manners costume!
What’s Actually Going On
Your nervous system is constantly running a background scan. It is what it does to keep you alive and safe. The constant silent check of “am I safe here? Am I welcome? Will I be judged? Will I be rejected?”
When that automatic, unconscious scan detects a social threat (even mild), the body doesn’t think, “Let me craft a powerful sentence.” It thinks, “Reduce risk. Smooth it. Soften it. Don’t provoke.” Perhaps sending signals of uneasiness or the thought of “time to leave.”
That’s when “sorry” becomes a social sedative.
Polyvagal theory describes how the autonomic nervous system shapes our social behaviour and threat responses including the shift away from regulated, grounded connection when we don’t feel safe.
So, the “sorry reflex” is often an appeasement strategy. It’s a fast, automatic attempt to stay connected by lowering your own status.
And that’s why it’s a power leak. You’ve framed yourself as wrong before anyone has decided there’s anything wrong. Perhaps some would label the “sorry reflex” as self sabotage. Personally, I see we can’t heal a label, we can only observe, analyse and create new outcomes.
Why It’s Costing You More Than You Think
This isn’t about one word. It’s about the frame you repeatedly install.
Over time, habitual apologising quietly does things like:
- Trains people to read you as junior, even if you’re the owner, the expert or the authority.
- Invites silent micro-judgement and the immediate spoken or unspoken question, “what are they apologising for?” What did they mess up?… Then the kicker of the real impact… “Hmm, I better scrutinise this person to find out.”
- Creates “pre-emptive guilt” cultures inside teams where nobody speaks coherently, asks directly, or holds a line (with love and compassion of course).
- Slows decisions because everything arrives wrapped in self-doubt and disclaimers which have to be unpicked before making a decision.
Research on apologies and power dynamics shows that status/power shapes how apologies are interpreted in workplace relationships. (Amy Cuddy, Xue Zheng et al and many great organisational psychologists since 1959 all have similar findings).
In other words, and from my perspective of optimising performance and profit, this is not a soft social quirk, it is a hidden operational emission.
“Sorry” is a very small hinge, yet little hinges swing big doors!
When You Should Apologise And When You Should Not
This is not a leap into manners, etiquette or being a decent human being, simply a moment to shine a light on the sorry epidemic. Apologise when you have genuinely:
- broken an agreement
- caused harm
- compromised integrity
That’s leadership that builds trust.
But apologising for existing, taking up space, asking, updating, clarifying, following up, or holding standards? That’s not humility, that’s leakage and that costs you personal power and business profit.
The irony is that excessive apologies can make situations feel worse, not better because the negative feelings are amplified not resolved. The phrase stop digging springs to mind!
The Recalibration
Here are three swaps that restore power instantly.
Next time your fingers type “sorry”, pause. Exhale. Drop your shoulders. Then choose a more coherent sentence.
In the tailspin of discovering how to move away from “sorry” it can be difficult to know to replace that word with, so here are some examples to get you started:
- Instead of: “Sorry I’m late.”
Say: “Thanks for your patience. Here’s where we are.” - Instead of: “Sorry to bother you…”
Say: “Quick check-in on X. I need Y by Z.” - Instead of: “Sorry, just one more thing…”
Say: “One more detail to finalise.”
This is not “mindset” change. This is state change plus language precision. We can’t fix a biology problem with a mindset solution, but we can meet it on its own terms.
Your breath controls your nervous system.
Your nervous system controls your brain.
Your brain controls how you lead, think, decide and perform.
Misplaced “sorry” can create a catalyst of significant change that steers you away from your destination one degree at a time. If you’ve got your sights on a goal, watching and rephrasing habitual sorry can help you get your goal quicker.
Nature’s Teaching For Our Businesses
A tree doesn’t apologise for taking up space. It roots. It stands. It contributes oxygen. It stabilises the ecosystem.
Your leadership is part of an ecosystem too.
So, if “sorry” is present in your business, don’t coach confidence in your team, instead diagnose the condition. Because “sorry” is a precursor to stress and stress isn’t something you manage it’s something you dismantle.
Contact me If you want, I’ll show you exactly where this power leak is happening inside your operations and what to change so your people communicate like leaders again.
Love. Gail.